we’re often asked about what we’re afraid of… personally, i really can’t come up with anything tangible or significant when asked on the spot. i’m not a huge fan of sharks, i’m slightly freaked out when i drive on the nj turnpike but these aren’t fears that control me. there are a ton of things that i’m absolutely not fearful of too: i’m not afraid of needles or snakes, heights or scary movies. i don’t care if someone doesn’t like me and i’m not afraid of anyone’s perception of me. for some people these are totally real, valid and serious fears. that ain’t me.
clearly, i’m fearless.
yeah right…. so digging a little bit deeper on this question. initially, it’s hard for me to identify exactly what i am afraid of but when i really get down to it there are so many things deep down that scare the shit out of me.
fear of the unknown: not knowing where i’m going to be months from now, what my life is going to be like, if i’m going to be happy, if my family is going to be happy and healthy
fear of failure: never being able to get myself to a place where i’m truly proud of and happy with my life and myself.
fear of being alone: this one is different for me than i think some other people — i’m not necessarily afraid of being by myself, i’m well aware of my need for solitude at times. but rather, i am afraid that i will never truly find my place in this world, where i feel connected to the people and things in my life.
for me these fears cause deep seeded anxiety and leave me feeling uninspired, disheartened and kind of lost.
then there are things that are more accessible on the surface:
not being able to hit sub-8:00 min miles this weekend during my 3rd half marathon to beat last year’s PR.
being a shitty friend because i have sometimes have so much going on in my head and in my life that i forget to reach out and see how my girlfriends are doing and if i can offer them any support.
but sometimes i can break through all the bullshit and see clearly what we all already know, this is what fear does. it paralyzes you. it keeps you from moving forward and establishing any confidence in yourself. it holds you hostage in a state of self-doubt and misery.
i’m starting to really see how much fear has held me back over the past few years. how much anxiety, self-hatred and frustration it has caused within me. and looking back on this – it pisses me off. and i get this overwhelming feeling that i want to tell anyone feeling this same way to stop letting your fears take up space in your life. follow your gut, take chances, ask for help and be brave. do the things you believe in with your whole heart, don’t waste time half-assing anything. and when you do, you will not fail and you will not be afraid.
and if it just so happens that you stumble a bit, you have a support here to bitch and moan to. i’ve been known to give some pretty tough love and i’d be happy to get you back on track.